the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
