I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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