saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
