I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
