That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
