Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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