i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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