just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
