so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
