I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
