I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
