dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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