well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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