I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
