I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
