And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
