You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
