that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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