I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
