carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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