I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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