You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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