Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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