I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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