I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
