just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
