Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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