I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you still have your period?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
