Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
