there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
