3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
