I'm jealous of your bromance
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
