God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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