I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
