I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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