Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
