You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
