So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
