My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
