Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
