She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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