ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
