I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
