so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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