when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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