I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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