Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
