How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
