Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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