I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
